Home

HOME
Definition: building or place where one resides
Synonyms: abode, address, apartment, base, casa, co-op, condo, crash pad, crib, den, digs, domicile, dwelling, flat, flop, habitat, haunt, headquarters, hearth, hole, home, homestead, house, joint, lodging, pad, quarters, residence, roost, sanctuary, seat...

We all know that its more than just the place you "hang your hat."

I have recently been feeling untethered. I am the ball floating around the pole with no strong cable to tie me to the pole. There is nothing grounding me. But I am still  flying around, still taking the hits.

The housing market in Neve Daniel is very tight. For those in the know, that may be considered an understatement. Last year, when it became clear that we were staying in Neve Daniel, we grabbed the first available rental. It's been wonderful. It is spacious, even a little too big for us. It is in a great location, in the middle of a very happening block on the new side of the Yishuv.  It is 4 buildings away from AM and UM. There are good friends and neighbors all around.  The lease was only for a year, but hey, so much can happen in a year!

Not that much has happened this year. At least not in the way that would make us want to leave this house. But  the owners are returning and we must vacate.  All year I have had my ears open to possibilities. AM and other faithful friends have been scouting, questioning, and working on this for months. As possibility after possibility fell through, I tried to hold on to the feeling that something would turn up.  I have pleaded my case on the Neve Daniel email lists. Others have pleaded my case to potential landlords. But nothing has worked out.

One would think that by now I have learned to completely relinquish control of my life and accept whatever is thrown at me. Let me tell you, I try. But when you are hit over and over again, there is this little part of you that says "One thing! Please! Let me have control over One! Major! (okay, even minor) Thing!"

In this whole thing there is one absolute: I must stay in Neve Daniel.  Our entire support system is dependent on this.

After that, I am pretty negotiable.  I would ideally like to stay on this side of the Yishuv, or in the center. The "other side" is pretty difficult because it is up and OVER a mountain. AM and UM live at the bottom of the mountain on the new side.

I finally gave in last night and started looking at 2 bedroom apartments.  It was a very, very hard thing to do.

Not because I have to live in a big, beautiful house with an American style kitchen. I think it was more about what it represents - how far life has veered off course. How could I squeeze myself, 3 8 year olds, and 2 dogs into 2 bedrooms and what is likely going to be a tiny  kitchen/living room/dining room? Haven't I paid my dues and been in the tiny apartment already? 15 years ago?!! How can I ask C to give up having his own room?  Forget about a playroom - what about simply place to play!

Shouldn't I be able to provide my children with a place that feels like home?

Well, there it is.

Home.

We had a decent house in the States. There was a place for everything and a place for everyone. It wasn't my dream house, but it was Home. It was ours. It was permanent for as long as we wanted it.

While I love the house we are living in, the fact that our landlords are friends and neighbors makes me feel like a custodial parent.  Every time B slams a door I scream "This isn't our house!" I want that feeling to go away.

I want a place that will be Home. How could that possibly be a tiny place?! And what's more, even if I could talk myself into it, could I convince the Trips?

I've been thinking about an old Billy Joel song a lot.  (Trip'n Daddy and I were both such huge fans that we each came to the marriage with a full set of his CDs.) It was one of our favorites. It was simple in its message, maybe even a bit corny, but it spoke to us. Its been running through my head because it is the Mussar that I need right now.  It's not the house that makes the Home. It is the people in it.  I am Home to the Trips and they are Home for me. That's the way it has to be, should be.  One day, we will find our House...

YOU'RE MY HOME (Billy Joel)

When you look into my eyes
and you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
it always comes as a surprise
when I feel my withered roots begin to grow.

Well I never had a place
that I could call my very own
but that's all right my love
cuz you're my home.

When you touch my weary head
and you tell me everything will be all right.
You say use my body for your bed
and my love will keep you warm throughout the night.

Well I'll never be a stranger
and I'll never be alone
wherever we're together
that's my home.

Home could be the Pennsylvania turnpike
Indiana's early morning dew
high up in the hills of California
home is just another word for you.

Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
but that's all right my love
cuz you're my home.

If I travel all my life
and I never get stop and settle down
long as I have you by my side
there's a roof above and good walls all around.
You're my castle, you're my cabin
and my instant pleasure dome.
I need you in my house
cuz you're my home,..
you're my home.

This post is dedicated to D, because of her friendship and perseverance in helping me find myself, and my Home. 

Lean on Me

Even when you have something good, you don't always realize how good it really is.

When Trip'n Daddy and I were looking for a community for our first year in Israel, we knew one thing:

We were definitely NOT going to be moving to Neve Daniel.

We had a myriad of reasons for this, including:

1. We were not interested in living over the "Green Line." After Gush Katif, we were nervous. You invest so much in building a home and one day the government can just take it away. There had been so much instability in our life already and Aliyah was another upheaval. When we put down roots, we wanted to feel 1000% secure. (Ironically, some of the communities we were considering are well within missile range of Gaza. Their kids have been out of school for days due to the latest escalation and have even been brought here to the Gush to get away from the tension. See: Gush Etzion Welcomes Children from South) 
2. We wanted time to learn more about yishuv life before we chose one, if we chose to live on one at all.  As a couple, we tended to be homebodies and somewhat private. The close living and the tight-knit communities that make up most yishuvim made us nervous. Certainly, we were going to try to find one that felt less like a bungalow colony and more like a small town. 
3. We wanted to choose a community that really represented us and our values. If we were going to live on a yishuv, it had to be the right yishuv for us. The only way for us to really learn that would be by doing research from within Israel. We knew we had to take our time to really feel comfortable with a commitment on that level. 
4. We loved AM and UM to death, and would theoretically follow them to the ends of the earth, but Israel was far enough.  They were living in Neve Daniel for 5 years already. When we lived in the same communities as them in the US, we always felt that we were living in their shadow.  They had children first and kids are a major inroad to making friends in any community. I have spent my whole life being "UM's sister."  Also, AM is one of those people who knows everyone and has a lot of friends.  They were so established in Neve Daniel, we felt we couldn't establish ourselves, as ourselves. 

Then the world turned upside down.  One day we are looking at rentals in Modiin, the next day Trip'n Daddy is in Shaarei Tzedek ICU in a medically induced coma, intubated and on a ventilator. 

Priorities change in an instant. Suddenly, there was no "we." There was just me. I now had to make decisions based on a whole different set of variables. 

1. Where were my kids going to have the support system they needed? Where would there be many loving adults to make up for the one who was gone? 
2. Where was I going to have the support I needed? What if I can't be home in time for the kids? Need a night out? A Mommy Getaway? 
3. Without a father to help teach them our values and how to live a Torah lifestyle, I now needed a community of men who will watch out for them and be examples to them. 
4. Most of all, being close to AM and UM was no longer a question, it was imperative.  Forget living in their shadow. I needed them just to be able to live. 

Neve Daniel more than answered the call. During Trip'n Daddy's entire illness, through the weeks of shlepping back and forth to the hospital, helping get the kids settled in school, and finding a place for us to live - they were there. When Trip'n Daddy passed away, it was 3 men from Neve Daniel, only ONE of whom had actually met him in person, that went to be shomrim for him in the cold Jerusalem night. His levaya was packed. Yes, many were my family or Twitpacha (friends from Twitter), but most were from Neve Daniel. The shiva house was constantly filled with people who had never met me, or him, but were there because we needed them. This includes the men who came to the shiva minyanim even though there was no mourner who was obligated in Kaddish. 

There was absolutely no question. We were staying in Neve Daniel. THIS was the place we needed. THESE were the people I needed to be with.There have been many times over the past months when the people of Neve Daniel have proven this to me. I thank Hashem daily for putting me here and helping me find this place.  

Last night, I had a moment when it hit me. How good it really is. 

My birthday was last week and I knew it was going to be hard. I was dreading it. So, I decided to take the bull by the horns and since it was the week of Purim, turn it on its head. Forget dreading it - I was going to celebrate it! 

AM and I hatched a plan where we would gather as many ladies as we could and head into Jerusalem for Off the Wall Comedy Basement's Women's Only Karaoke Night. Neither of us had ever karaokied before and it sounded like a great time.  Also, the admission was reasonable (15₪, with 10₪ going towards your first drink.) Here was the best part, we were going to invite everyone! I felt there was no way to know who else needed a night out and I wanted everyone to feel like they could come. So we created a Facebook event where I invited every woman in Israel who is my friend on Facebook and AM sent out an email on the Neve Daniel list. 

We headed out expecting about 20 ladies to join us. Some of the Twitpacha, some family, but mostly Neve Daniel women.  Here's the thing, I knew there were going to be some coming just to get out, some really to sing, and some just to be there for me. What I didn't realize was every last one of them, from Savta, to AM, to the ones that I just officially met for the first time last night, were going to build me up and give me that moment.

The song choices ran from fun (Twist and Shout, Daydream Believer) to empowering (my choices of I Will Survive and Hit Me With Your Best Shot, RESPECT), surprising (ladies in sheitels singing Rolling in the Deep?) and even the absurd (America from West Side Story, and did you know Mamma Mia makes Savta cry?)

Some amazing woman put Lean on Me on the list. The message of the song is clear and even blatantly obvious. Sure, I knew that everyone who was there would do anything for me if I just asked. They had all already proved that. They didn't need to tell me, I knew.  But as the song played, they held me, sang with me, swayed with me. Considering the magnitude of the changes in my life, I have never felt more warmth, more safe, more protected, more loved...more myself. 

Writing Workshop: Listening to a Loved One

The assignment came via email: 


Please read and consider the following quote from Natalie Goldberg's excellent book, Writing Down the Bones.


"Writing is 90 percent listening. You listen so deeply to the space around you that it fills you, and when you write, it pours out of you....You don't only listen to the person speaking to you across the table, but simultaneously listen to  the air, the chair, and the door. And go beyond the door. Take in the sound of the season, the sound of the color coming in through the windows. Listen to the past, future, and present right where you are. Listen with your whole body..."


I'd like you to practice listening to someone you care about, someone you feel close to. Perhaps during a conversation with them sitting across the table from you. Practice listening the way Goldberg describes. What do you hear beyond their words? What else can you capture as they speak? Write about it. 


Wishing you all a week of listening with your whole body!

Late Night in Tzfat
We are spent, physically and emotionally, but we lay across from each other in the dark sharing thoughts, secrets, our hearts’ desires and pains as if we were teenagers again. I can’t see her, but I know the crinkle of her eyes as they smile, the furrow of her brow as she worries, the wonder in her face as we reminisce. 


“This reminds me of when we used to do this, what, 18 years ago?”  she says. 


I hear: 


Remember before we were sisters? Before legal-ties bound us, before our childrens’ blood bound us?  Even then, we were soul-sisters. 


I know you better than anyone on this earth. Better than anyone, now. I understand you. I know your fears, your pain, the place where it all begins, and I understand the true roots of it all. 


I was there, I watched it all.  I saw you fall for him and watched him love you. I know that it is because of me you were together. I know you are grateful for that. 


I hurt with you and for you.  I hurt for all that love you. Most of all, I hurt for me. Because I loved him too. Because I love you and love all who love you. Because I understand your emptiness. 


What more can I do for you? How can I help you through? I am doing everything I can think of, everything you ask, but I will do more. I need to do more, even though I am  beyond exhausted with my life, my challenges, I will shoulder your burdens. I will bear more. More than I can. 


She listens to my tears. 


I hear the darkness. I hear the peaceful night. I hear the whispering, mystical Tzfat wind. 


I hear that there will be light again, there is hope, and no matter what, I have love and am loved. 

This travel blog photo's source is TravelPod page: Megila reading, Museums, Night Hike

When Good Traits Go Bad

Year One without Trip'n Daddy is like riding a roller coaster with a blindfold on and all sound on mute. You never know when the next drop or hairpin turn will be.  You know you are surrounded by others, but you cannot hear them scream.  Actually, you can plan on some of the bumps, because you've seen the map of the coaster and you know they are there (Holidays, Birthdays, etc.).  It's the ones you didn't notice at the sneak peek at the map that really send you reeling.

I have bad days. Many of them.  I am working on it, but like those twists and turns they are inevitable. I am on a roller coaster!!

The sudden drops are the worst. One day you can have a great day where you and your intrepid partner and supporter (AM) get to THREE Israeli Government offices before noon and then have a fantastic time in Machane Yehuda planning for Purim. Later, you have a family meal to celebrate a beloved nephew's birthday (no cooking!)  The day ends with a great Book Club meeting with friends.  We shmoozed more than we talked about the book, but it was fun!

Then the drop. Some stupid bot sends me a reminder about the first anniversary of an event. This event was extremely personal to me, involved no one else, and was supposed to change my life forever.  I had a goal for the one year anniversary of this event, and I am only about halfway there. It is a sore point. Sure, we can blame it on the reality of the past year, but it still feels like a personal failure.

I am not good at failure. It's not that I am so motivated that I am consumed with success, but I am a bit of a perfectionist and like things done right. I put a lot of value in my own personal responsibilities and getting them right. It has been a lot of who I am and how I define myself.

Example A is the Mishloach Manot of Purim's Past that you all loved reading about yesterday.
Example B might be my college and graduate school transcripts.
Example C is any meal where I have company coming.
Example D is my work ethic.
Example E  is my kids - until this year when I learned to cut them a lot of slack.

You see, I can cut them slack, but I can't do it for myself!

AM has a new mantra for me "Manage your expectations! Of yourself!"

How did one of my best traits now become my Achilles Heel?

Busy, Busy, Busy...Pause

I have said recently that I am the busiet unemployed person I know.  It seems that I have been going non-stop. I haven't even had time to put my thoughts together and throw them up here. Doctors appointments, ParnasaFest, Library advisory committee, resumes, and job applications. Pesach is coming and the list is soooo long. Going, going, going... 

Then, this afternoon, I see that AM has this as her Facebook status:

Upset that a nearby mother woke up thinking it was going to be a normal day and by 5 PM her teenage son was buried. She, like the rest of us was probably aggravated to have the kids home from school, now she'd give anything for that.

Huh? Wha?

So I go hunting and find out that and axe wielding Arab terrorist killed a 13 year old boy in Bat Ayin today. By the time I found out, he was already buried.

AM & UM live minutes away from Bat Ayin. Their oldest is a 13 year old boy. 

This is just too close. It is too gruesome, too much to get my head around. 

Imagine how his mother feels. 

Preschool (Mommy) Homework

So this is a pet peeve of mine, but probably because I am a working mother and don't have hours in the afternoon to brainstorm WITH MY KID, get the items together, and be ready on time.

From an educational standpoint I can make a ton of arguments in favor of most of these activities. As a former teacher, I know how hard it is to get your act together and send this stuff home with more than a few days notice. However, in my life, it is just ONE MORE thing this Trip'n Mommy has to do.

Here are some highlights of Mommy Homework:

1. Show and Tell - In Kindergarten it is themed by letter of the week. So we have it EVERY WEEK! At least the girls have the same letter because they are in the same class. C's class in doing Aleph Bais in order and ABC's out of order, so I never know what letter will be the next week. This how I handle S&T. IF I have time, I discuss the letter of the week and brainstorm with them about different items that start with the letter. If I don't have time, I brainstorm with H, Savta, co-workers, anyone who'll listen. After the kids are in bed, I search the house for different and varied items that start with the letter of the week, including at least one book. Then in the morning, the kids get to pick an item from the pile. (Then I leave the pile for the babysitter to put away...)

2. Shabbos Ima, Abba, Saba - Mommy has to go and by either a Parve, nut-free snack for the whole class or a Challah or two as per the Morah's instructions. (water, egg free, no seeds, large, medium, unsliced, etc.) Never mind the stress of trying to come up with a snack that is Parve, nut free, cool for the kids, and not so sugary, expensive, or inappropriate that the other mothers will hate you. (Special shout-out to the mom who sent in a Fruit by the Foot for each kid! That's like 4 boxes!)

This particular assignment is usually given on Wednesday, due on Friday. Since I usually don't see these notices until after 8pm on Wednesday (or even worse Thursday morning!) that means I only get one night to prepare. In an effort to squeeze a little more time, I am constantly asking the kids if they have a note from Morah. Honestly, I may be more Shabbos Party obsessed than the Trips.

3. Recycling, toilet paper rolls, grocery flyers, OJ containers and other project items - At start of the year, the girls' morah sent a note with items that she uses throughout the year and a request for us to send them in regularly. Great! I try to do this. It is her unanticipated requests and the requests from C's Morah that throw me.

First of all, these requests come in the Classroom OR Preschool newsletters on Friday. For the uninitiated, these are wonderful little weekly PR pieces where the Morahs and Preschool Directors share what has been happening in the Parsha, the class, the school, other classes, the world at large, etc.

Yes people, I have 4 newsletters to scour for information and Mommy assignments!!

THEN I have to remember to prepare the items for Monday. THEN I have to remember how many I need and which kids need them!!

4. Family Pictures - Seriously, in the digital age?! I have to sort through files to find the right one, get the damn photo printer to work, and print a copy. This week the girls needed ONE picture with EVERY member of the family in it. Yeah, right. The only one I had was a portrait from 2 summers ago. So then I had to perform copyright infringement, scan and digitize the image, fight with the photo printer and get 2 decent copies.

5. Aleph Beis Machberes - C's class is making a really lovely notebook throughout the year. At the start of the year they made a stick puppet for each member of the kid's family (with a separate picture of each, see #4) that live in the machberes. It is filled with activities, songs, stories, etc for the puppets to do. Most Fridays, C brings home his machberes and puppets for us to see what he's done, review, and play with the puppets.

It is Mommy's job to make sure that A, B, and Trouble do no harm to the precious notebook or and of the 5 puppets, and ensure that all 6 items are returned to school Monday morning.

6. Costumes - Okay, so these are fewer and further between and you usually get a little more notice. This week, C came home on Monday with a note that for Friday's siyyum Sefer Bereshit. He needed not only to bring in a Parve, nut-free snack for the whole class but also needed to dress up in a costume as a character or item from all of Bereshit.

Luckily, I was on the phone with the brilliant and more experienced AM, who said "put a robe and sandals on him and he could be anyone!" Since C shares a name with one of the Shevatim, and has a blue bathrobe with his name in Hebrew, this gave us a platform to really jump off. We added a laundry bag for a sack, and hyped it up for C. It worked. He really looked cute getting on the bus today.

Now I must stop, because I must tend to another crucial Mommy assignment - providing nourishment for the family through shopping and cooking!!

Savta & Saba are Home!

And the universe is back in balance...

I know I shouldn't begrudge UM & AM any time that Savta & Saba are there because we have them the rest of the year. However, my life is so much easier, so much more right, when they are only 4 blocks away.

Don't get me wrong, Grandma & Zaide step up and help out as much as we ask them to, but it is just not the same.

My heart's doing a little happy dance.