Home

HOME
Definition: building or place where one resides
Synonyms: abode, address, apartment, base, casa, co-op, condo, crash pad, crib, den, digs, domicile, dwelling, flat, flop, habitat, haunt, headquarters, hearth, hole, home, homestead, house, joint, lodging, pad, quarters, residence, roost, sanctuary, seat...

We all know that its more than just the place you "hang your hat."

I have recently been feeling untethered. I am the ball floating around the pole with no strong cable to tie me to the pole. There is nothing grounding me. But I am still  flying around, still taking the hits.

The housing market in Neve Daniel is very tight. For those in the know, that may be considered an understatement. Last year, when it became clear that we were staying in Neve Daniel, we grabbed the first available rental. It's been wonderful. It is spacious, even a little too big for us. It is in a great location, in the middle of a very happening block on the new side of the Yishuv.  It is 4 buildings away from AM and UM. There are good friends and neighbors all around.  The lease was only for a year, but hey, so much can happen in a year!

Not that much has happened this year. At least not in the way that would make us want to leave this house. But  the owners are returning and we must vacate.  All year I have had my ears open to possibilities. AM and other faithful friends have been scouting, questioning, and working on this for months. As possibility after possibility fell through, I tried to hold on to the feeling that something would turn up.  I have pleaded my case on the Neve Daniel email lists. Others have pleaded my case to potential landlords. But nothing has worked out.

One would think that by now I have learned to completely relinquish control of my life and accept whatever is thrown at me. Let me tell you, I try. But when you are hit over and over again, there is this little part of you that says "One thing! Please! Let me have control over One! Major! (okay, even minor) Thing!"

In this whole thing there is one absolute: I must stay in Neve Daniel.  Our entire support system is dependent on this.

After that, I am pretty negotiable.  I would ideally like to stay on this side of the Yishuv, or in the center. The "other side" is pretty difficult because it is up and OVER a mountain. AM and UM live at the bottom of the mountain on the new side.

I finally gave in last night and started looking at 2 bedroom apartments.  It was a very, very hard thing to do.

Not because I have to live in a big, beautiful house with an American style kitchen. I think it was more about what it represents - how far life has veered off course. How could I squeeze myself, 3 8 year olds, and 2 dogs into 2 bedrooms and what is likely going to be a tiny  kitchen/living room/dining room? Haven't I paid my dues and been in the tiny apartment already? 15 years ago?!! How can I ask C to give up having his own room?  Forget about a playroom - what about simply place to play!

Shouldn't I be able to provide my children with a place that feels like home?

Well, there it is.

Home.

We had a decent house in the States. There was a place for everything and a place for everyone. It wasn't my dream house, but it was Home. It was ours. It was permanent for as long as we wanted it.

While I love the house we are living in, the fact that our landlords are friends and neighbors makes me feel like a custodial parent.  Every time B slams a door I scream "This isn't our house!" I want that feeling to go away.

I want a place that will be Home. How could that possibly be a tiny place?! And what's more, even if I could talk myself into it, could I convince the Trips?

I've been thinking about an old Billy Joel song a lot.  (Trip'n Daddy and I were both such huge fans that we each came to the marriage with a full set of his CDs.) It was one of our favorites. It was simple in its message, maybe even a bit corny, but it spoke to us. Its been running through my head because it is the Mussar that I need right now.  It's not the house that makes the Home. It is the people in it.  I am Home to the Trips and they are Home for me. That's the way it has to be, should be.  One day, we will find our House...

YOU'RE MY HOME (Billy Joel)

When you look into my eyes
and you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
it always comes as a surprise
when I feel my withered roots begin to grow.

Well I never had a place
that I could call my very own
but that's all right my love
cuz you're my home.

When you touch my weary head
and you tell me everything will be all right.
You say use my body for your bed
and my love will keep you warm throughout the night.

Well I'll never be a stranger
and I'll never be alone
wherever we're together
that's my home.

Home could be the Pennsylvania turnpike
Indiana's early morning dew
high up in the hills of California
home is just another word for you.

Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
but that's all right my love
cuz you're my home.

If I travel all my life
and I never get stop and settle down
long as I have you by my side
there's a roof above and good walls all around.
You're my castle, you're my cabin
and my instant pleasure dome.
I need you in my house
cuz you're my home,..
you're my home.

This post is dedicated to D, because of her friendship and perseverance in helping me find myself, and my Home. 

Lean on Me

Even when you have something good, you don't always realize how good it really is.

When Trip'n Daddy and I were looking for a community for our first year in Israel, we knew one thing:

We were definitely NOT going to be moving to Neve Daniel.

We had a myriad of reasons for this, including:

1. We were not interested in living over the "Green Line." After Gush Katif, we were nervous. You invest so much in building a home and one day the government can just take it away. There had been so much instability in our life already and Aliyah was another upheaval. When we put down roots, we wanted to feel 1000% secure. (Ironically, some of the communities we were considering are well within missile range of Gaza. Their kids have been out of school for days due to the latest escalation and have even been brought here to the Gush to get away from the tension. See: Gush Etzion Welcomes Children from South) 
2. We wanted time to learn more about yishuv life before we chose one, if we chose to live on one at all.  As a couple, we tended to be homebodies and somewhat private. The close living and the tight-knit communities that make up most yishuvim made us nervous. Certainly, we were going to try to find one that felt less like a bungalow colony and more like a small town. 
3. We wanted to choose a community that really represented us and our values. If we were going to live on a yishuv, it had to be the right yishuv for us. The only way for us to really learn that would be by doing research from within Israel. We knew we had to take our time to really feel comfortable with a commitment on that level. 
4. We loved AM and UM to death, and would theoretically follow them to the ends of the earth, but Israel was far enough.  They were living in Neve Daniel for 5 years already. When we lived in the same communities as them in the US, we always felt that we were living in their shadow.  They had children first and kids are a major inroad to making friends in any community. I have spent my whole life being "UM's sister."  Also, AM is one of those people who knows everyone and has a lot of friends.  They were so established in Neve Daniel, we felt we couldn't establish ourselves, as ourselves. 

Then the world turned upside down.  One day we are looking at rentals in Modiin, the next day Trip'n Daddy is in Shaarei Tzedek ICU in a medically induced coma, intubated and on a ventilator. 

Priorities change in an instant. Suddenly, there was no "we." There was just me. I now had to make decisions based on a whole different set of variables. 

1. Where were my kids going to have the support system they needed? Where would there be many loving adults to make up for the one who was gone? 
2. Where was I going to have the support I needed? What if I can't be home in time for the kids? Need a night out? A Mommy Getaway? 
3. Without a father to help teach them our values and how to live a Torah lifestyle, I now needed a community of men who will watch out for them and be examples to them. 
4. Most of all, being close to AM and UM was no longer a question, it was imperative.  Forget living in their shadow. I needed them just to be able to live. 

Neve Daniel more than answered the call. During Trip'n Daddy's entire illness, through the weeks of shlepping back and forth to the hospital, helping get the kids settled in school, and finding a place for us to live - they were there. When Trip'n Daddy passed away, it was 3 men from Neve Daniel, only ONE of whom had actually met him in person, that went to be shomrim for him in the cold Jerusalem night. His levaya was packed. Yes, many were my family or Twitpacha (friends from Twitter), but most were from Neve Daniel. The shiva house was constantly filled with people who had never met me, or him, but were there because we needed them. This includes the men who came to the shiva minyanim even though there was no mourner who was obligated in Kaddish. 

There was absolutely no question. We were staying in Neve Daniel. THIS was the place we needed. THESE were the people I needed to be with.There have been many times over the past months when the people of Neve Daniel have proven this to me. I thank Hashem daily for putting me here and helping me find this place.  

Last night, I had a moment when it hit me. How good it really is. 

My birthday was last week and I knew it was going to be hard. I was dreading it. So, I decided to take the bull by the horns and since it was the week of Purim, turn it on its head. Forget dreading it - I was going to celebrate it! 

AM and I hatched a plan where we would gather as many ladies as we could and head into Jerusalem for Off the Wall Comedy Basement's Women's Only Karaoke Night. Neither of us had ever karaokied before and it sounded like a great time.  Also, the admission was reasonable (15₪, with 10₪ going towards your first drink.) Here was the best part, we were going to invite everyone! I felt there was no way to know who else needed a night out and I wanted everyone to feel like they could come. So we created a Facebook event where I invited every woman in Israel who is my friend on Facebook and AM sent out an email on the Neve Daniel list. 

We headed out expecting about 20 ladies to join us. Some of the Twitpacha, some family, but mostly Neve Daniel women.  Here's the thing, I knew there were going to be some coming just to get out, some really to sing, and some just to be there for me. What I didn't realize was every last one of them, from Savta, to AM, to the ones that I just officially met for the first time last night, were going to build me up and give me that moment.

The song choices ran from fun (Twist and Shout, Daydream Believer) to empowering (my choices of I Will Survive and Hit Me With Your Best Shot, RESPECT), surprising (ladies in sheitels singing Rolling in the Deep?) and even the absurd (America from West Side Story, and did you know Mamma Mia makes Savta cry?)

Some amazing woman put Lean on Me on the list. The message of the song is clear and even blatantly obvious. Sure, I knew that everyone who was there would do anything for me if I just asked. They had all already proved that. They didn't need to tell me, I knew.  But as the song played, they held me, sang with me, swayed with me. Considering the magnitude of the changes in my life, I have never felt more warmth, more safe, more protected, more loved...more myself. 

Loving Living in Israel #1

This is a new series that I am starting to record those "Only in Israel" moments that remind me, usually out of the blue, why I love living in Israel.

Driving around the Yishuv today I noticed a whole bunch of these harbingers of Purim welcoming the joyful spirit of Adar into our little town.

At the Yishuv Doar (Post Office)

On the Door to the Mazkirut (Office)

Writing Workshop: If You Were A ....?

I am currently taking a 4 part writing workshop here in ND run by a creative, earthy, inspiring friend. At each meeting (and sometimes in between) we are given assignments meant to spark our imagination and fuel our writing.

I will be posting some of the pieces from the workshop as I feel they offer a great picture into my life and psyche right now.  They are only slightly edited.  Please comment, offer constructive criticism, etc.

Here is one of the pieces from our first session.

The Workshop Facilitator asked us a number of questions that we were supposed to answer with the first thing that popped into our minds. The questions were all in the format of:

If you were a ____, what/who/where would you be?

Once we had a list of terms, we were charged with making them into a poem. This is my result:

I am a Mother
I was once 25, but now I am a puzzle.
Or am I a 2004 Blue Minivan?
My heart quivers and sobs,
And prays like Chana in Shiloh.
My life is a forest,
Full of twisted olive trees.
I hide like a bear amongst the musky scent.
I hear the strains of a cello calling me.
I want to feel the glow of my candlesticks,
The warmth of my oven, my soft, cozy bed.
I was once 25, but now I am a puzzle.
Now, I Will Survive.


You are welcome to try and guess some of the questions!!