Dread

Dread.

What a word.

It's hard to say. Doesn't exactly roll of the tongue. It's heavy. Ends harshly. I would argue its even onomatopoeic.

When you say it, you feel it. In your heart. In your gut. In your bones.

The bigger the thing you dread, the heavier the word weighs on you.

I'm carrying around a big load of dread lately.

There are lots of things to deal with, anniversaries to face, memories to be stirred up, a first yertzheit to plan.

Spring is here! A chag is coming. School vacation is coming.

All I feel is dread.

It hurts. It actually hurts physically. It drains me. I want to sleep.

Here's the problem with dread. It doesn't go away. You carry it with you until that moment comes and you have no choice but to face the dreaded day, task, conversation.

The moment passes. No matter what happened, the dread is now gone.

I wish I could just skip all the dread and have it all be over.  Be past it.

The thing is though, there's always going to be another dreaded thing to come along.

I wish that they be smaller, so that the dread will hurt less.

I hope I gain the tools to manage the dread.

I pray that the dread does not rule me. That it doesn't trickle down to the kids.

That I dread.