When Good Traits Go Bad

Year One without Trip'n Daddy is like riding a roller coaster with a blindfold on and all sound on mute. You never know when the next drop or hairpin turn will be.  You know you are surrounded by others, but you cannot hear them scream.  Actually, you can plan on some of the bumps, because you've seen the map of the coaster and you know they are there (Holidays, Birthdays, etc.).  It's the ones you didn't notice at the sneak peek at the map that really send you reeling.

I have bad days. Many of them.  I am working on it, but like those twists and turns they are inevitable. I am on a roller coaster!!

The sudden drops are the worst. One day you can have a great day where you and your intrepid partner and supporter (AM) get to THREE Israeli Government offices before noon and then have a fantastic time in Machane Yehuda planning for Purim. Later, you have a family meal to celebrate a beloved nephew's birthday (no cooking!)  The day ends with a great Book Club meeting with friends.  We shmoozed more than we talked about the book, but it was fun!

Then the drop. Some stupid bot sends me a reminder about the first anniversary of an event. This event was extremely personal to me, involved no one else, and was supposed to change my life forever.  I had a goal for the one year anniversary of this event, and I am only about halfway there. It is a sore point. Sure, we can blame it on the reality of the past year, but it still feels like a personal failure.

I am not good at failure. It's not that I am so motivated that I am consumed with success, but I am a bit of a perfectionist and like things done right. I put a lot of value in my own personal responsibilities and getting them right. It has been a lot of who I am and how I define myself.

Example A is the Mishloach Manot of Purim's Past that you all loved reading about yesterday.
Example B might be my college and graduate school transcripts.
Example C is any meal where I have company coming.
Example D is my work ethic.
Example E  is my kids - until this year when I learned to cut them a lot of slack.

You see, I can cut them slack, but I can't do it for myself!

AM has a new mantra for me "Manage your expectations! Of yourself!"

How did one of my best traits now become my Achilles Heel?


A Soldier's Mother said...

The roller coaster analogy was exactly the one I hit on for having a son in the army. I know how you feel - never knowing when the drop will come and always surprised that when you fall, you fall so fast. All I can tell you - in a related but very different field - is that you come to value the flat of the roller coaster. Accept when things are good and just know that the falls are part of the trip. It's a natural part. You can't avoid them and you can't beat yourself up for not dealing with them as if you knew they were coming. I wish there was some way to anticipate them...there isn't. But yeah, one thing that helps - even during the fall, is to remember there are a lot of people on the sides and even if they can't "fall" with you, they're there in spirit and in love when you are ready for them. May each fall be softer and hopefully with a vision for the climb out.

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